It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. (Taylor Benson)
It’s been a very difficult month for me, when it should have been one of my best. I was severely injured and nearly killed in Indianapolis, before my friend Christina Grimmie was murdered in Orlando, and this week I lost my job at Starpulse as they head in a “new creative direction.”
I pride myself in maintaining a positive attitude at all times, but this is one of those instances where I just can’t do it. I continue to replay in my head the moment where, stranded at an Indianapolis intersection, I almost got hit by a car – possibly because I can still look at my entire upper body and see the skin damage done by six hours walking out in the Indiana heat.
And then to think about not just Christina but all the people who lost their lives in Orlando – the chilling thought that someone walked up to one of my friends and just shot her – it is one of those things that pierces your soul and makes you look at the world a little differently.
As if that wasn’t enough to be unceremoniously let go from someplace I worked at for six years, and bent over backwards for time and again, is a difficult prospect. I had basically 48 hours notice to finish my work. They were very kind about it, even offering to give me references for my next job, but it still hurt and I still don’t know how it will affect my career going forward.
I still haven’t had enough time to process all of this.
I had such high hopes for May and June – to work the Indianapolis 500, get to interview some of my favorite IndyCar drivers, catch up with my friend Jeff in Detroit and show him the scripts I’d poured three straight months of my life into. Instead, I wound up bruised, battered, and never making it to Detroit, not after Delta stranded me in Atlanta and sent my walker to Florida. And little did I know that was just the start.
I’m doing my best to pick up the pieces. I accepted a job offer as co-editor of FanSided’s motorsports site, and am hoping to get the company to let me pursue a new project in entertainment. I’m also launching my own outlet, TVBrittanyF.com, in the hopes of being able to get my own credentials and control my own destiny.
None of this will pay too much, but at least it’s work and I’m hopeful that these opportunities might open other doors to replace the one that closed. I’ll be taking on extra assignments from AXS to replace some of that lost income, which of course means back to long hours just when I finally was starting to have a life outside of work.
But that’s professional and in the end I’ll do what I have to do to support myself. What I’m more worried about is the emotional effect. So many things just really hurt, from the idea that I’ve lost one more friend due to the actions of someone else, to realizing I spent three months busting my ass on a set of scripts that now it looks like nobody’s ever going to read, to just being tired and burned out after having so much go wrong. I want something to be happy about. Some reason to be excited about life. And I just don’t have that, and looking down the road I don’t see it.
The one thing I hold onto is that I have some great people in my life. The handful of folks who have reached out with kind words over the last few days I deeply appreciate. There’s nothing worse for me than to feel alone as I’m going through all this, and to hear from them reminded me that I’m not alone, even if I’m down on my knees.
I’ll move on because I have to, and because there’s nothing I can do about any of these things. I can’t bring back the loved ones lost and I can’t get my job back and my body is just going to heal on its own time. But for once I’m not optimistic. I can only pray that the universe has more faith in me than I do, because right now I’m on the ropes.